After running with Cathy at the end of her half marathon in May and then completing the Ragnar Relay with my team, I was really excited about getting back into a schedule and planning some more races.
June began with me feeling excited about the next few months and then suddenly, without warning, I felt like the happy bubble I was in started to deflate. Deep down, I know it had nothing to do with running, races or really any one thing in particular at all. It was just there–an overwhelming feeling like I was crawling through mud an inch at a time and never really getting anywhere.
This past month has been a weird mixture of ups and downs. I told my run coach that I was done with coaching for now because the guilt of missing a run was truly all I was thinking about. I’ve felt myself pulling away from people because honestly, I just don’t know what to say sometimes. Many times I’ve found myself crying in my bathroom over something little that was said to me because I am apparently a delicate flower. I’ve been pretty good at faking it in social settings but there have been a few times when I’ve just been unable to stay in a room. There have been times when I’ve felt like I’m truly going to lose it and then other times when I’ve felt completely in control and at peace.
On Saturday I have my first trail race ever. I’ve thought about not showing up at least 25 times but I won’t do that. I know isolation is my go to when I’m battling depression and I also know it doesn’t help. I will show up, I will run and afterward, I will be so glad that I did!
Social media has a way of always showing the happy moments because that’s what people want to see. It’s hard to be honest and shout, “HEY! I’M STRUGGLING!” It makes people feel uncomfortable and awkward, but it’s real. So here I am, shouting it out that I’ve been struggling–with exercise, food, relationships and life. I think the clouds are starting to part but if they don’t for a little while, it will still be okay!
Thanks for letting me share myself with you–even when it’s not pretty or happy. I said something to one of my friends this month after she told me she didn’t feel strong. She repeated my words back to me the next day, making me smile at how much I need to actually believe the things coming out of my own mouth:
Strength is not how you feel. Strength is in what you choose to do every single day.
Today, let’s choose strength.